One question I encounter in countless forms is “How can I make routines work better for me?”
I was recently asked a new variation of this on Instagram, and I thought the answer might be helpful to people who *don’t* read the same great webcomics I do.
Enjoy!
(Note: this question was edited for format and content.)
(Ian), how do you make a schedule or routine?
No matter what I want to do I always forget about it within a week, and don’t even remember that | ever made it a plan. If I set an alarm to go off at a specific time to tell me to go to bed, a good portion of the time I just mute the alarm without thinking about it and then not do whatever I planned to.
What do you do to go to bed when you decide to?
It’s nice to hear people with similar issues to me are succeeding at things I struggle with, but it doesn’t really make me feel better in the moment, and it doesn’t make me feel any closer to solving my own issues.
I’m happy to answer your questions, but before I get into my specifics, I’m going to go over some big picture stuff that was useful for me.
One of the most important things about building routines is that we need to understand what might be *in our way*. Thinking about your situation, I saw:
1) Remember that environment matters a ton
The signals and situations in our surroundings play a huge role in helping or hindering routine formation. Taking an objective, calm, non-judgy look at this stuff is important.
For instance, with you, your alarm isn’t doing its job – so using it as-is is a non-starter. For me, I used to LOVE playing video games *a little too damn late* every night. No good.
(This article has a lot of things you can look at to help make your environment more conducive to sleep. Don’t treat the list like a pass/fail list – treat it more like a “here’s what I can choose from to work on, and I will pick one or two things at a time” type of deal.)
2) Your path to building routines probably won’t be the traditional one
You mentioned the frustration that can come from seeing advice work for other people, or seeing people ‘like you’ somehow ‘figure it out’. I’ve been there, especially after I saw myself fail for the millionth time.
I had to learn that it’s okay to find my own way through – in fact, building healthy routines that stuck only worked out when I gave myself the leeway to tailor that ‘one-size-fits-all’ advice to my specific situation. It sounds like you might have to do the same – be flexible and kind with yourself.
What does being flexible and kind look like?
Let’s take your alarm – it’s not working for you right now.
You’re still gonna need some sort of a signal to help you figure out it’s time to start the routine, so I suggest using a different alarm than the one you use. It could be a different tone, a different audio / visual source – something that you haven’t habituated to ignoring yet.
And if the same problem comes up – you find yourself ignoring the new stimulus? Time to change it up again (and that’s perfectly okay!)
You asked about my routine. Here it is:
1) about 70 minutes before my target bedtime, my phone gives me a notice that it’s time to start winding down. You can do this with alarms / reminders / set up a text to yourself, I just use the stuff built into my iPhone. One thing that also helps here is if you can put your phone into DND / do not disturb mode.
2) Once that notice goes off, if I’m doing something super engaging (gaming, hanging out with friends, watching something INTENSE) I start wrapping it up. For this step, I had to get good at telling myself and other people that “I gotta start getting ready to sleep”.
3) Then I do my evening clean-up routine (teeth, face, etc). This was an important step for me to have, because it gives my brain and body another signal that we are getting ready for sleep.
4) Then I’ll make sure that the house is locked up / lights are off, etc. This helps me feel secure in my home.
5) Then I have a list of YouTube channels / media that I can watch that are pretty calm or chill I look at. I really like VaatiVidya’s videos about lore – I look for stuff that won’t get my brain hyped up; storytellers are good for this for me.
6) I put the sound on so I can just barely hear it, on my phone, next to my bed, phone face down. This helps reduce disturbances from light and other notifications.
7) I get into bed, and close my eyes.
WTF DUDE THATS A LOT OF STEPS
You might be looking at my routine and thinking “OMFG, there’s too much going on, I can’t do that!”
And guess what: you’re right! You can’t do that all, sustainably, today – but what you can do is pick one part of my routine and find your own way to adapt it for your use:
* figure out media that calms you instead of hypes you up
* figure out what you want to clean up in a hygiene routine – or how you might make that part of the process a better signal
* figure out that if you plug in your phone away from your bed, you’re less likely to check notifications
Or maybe what you think about adapting isn’t part of my routine at all! That’s okay, just find something specific you can work on and work with yourself on it.
“How long did it take you?“
This plan took me from the pandemic until now.
It didn’t come along all at once. I worked on it over time, picking parts that made the most sense or were the easiest to address.
Here’s the final secret I should share: committing to a routine doesn’t mean that it’s always going to be the same.
If you ask me what my routine is in a year, it will look different than it does today, just like today looks different from a year ago. That’s because routines exist to serve us – not the other way around. As my needs change, I tweak my routines.
I know that it’s tough for people with ADHD to build routines; our journey is often unlike any other – but I hope this helps give you an angle or two to think about and act on.
Intersection 9 